Everyone has a moment or moments in their life where they realise how far they’ve come. I feel like today was one of those moments for me. At 2AM, I was looking out of my window trying to avoid studying and I realized how long it’s been since I watched the sun rise, since I saw the sky transform so slowly but so quickly that it seems like for as long as you look directly at it, it’ll never change the second you look away, you’re in a different world. When I was a kid, that was something I did everyday. I never really slept, I’d get out of bed and just leave for school. That’s when I realized that this is from when I loved going to school. I keep thinking about how when I was 8, I’d come home from school at 12 pm, to a dark house and watermelon juice. Now I’m not home till 6, only to leave again by 7. Class 2 was so much simpler compared to our current responsibilities and schedules but back then we, as people, were so much messier. All of us believed that we each carried the weight of the world on our shoulders and somehow our reasons to die were so much greater than our will to live. These are things that all of us eventually grew out of, and one day, without us really noticing, we started to fall asleep by 12:30. We stopped looking at the sun and drinking watermelon juice in the dark. Maybe this is a good thing and maybe it’s not, that’s something that depends from person to person. We all have to realize the same things but we do it at different rates and paces. We all eventually do figure out our priorities and we do realize that all our wants and desires are different and constantly changing. So even if it takes a long time, that’s alright. And for those of you out there who lie awake at night waiting for the sun, waiting for the light, I promise you it’ll come. It always does.
29.08.2018
I’ve always been the person that’s always cared too much. Since I was kid I’ve always been the one to to do even the smallest thing to make people happy. Different people feel happiness from different things, the possibilities are endless. From flowers to dogs to pens and even ice cream. We can never really know what every individual prefers so I’ve always just tried to do whatever I would want someone to do for me and even though there’s a 99% chance that I’ve been wrong every time, I like to believe in that 1% where I wasn’t.
Somepeople think that this is a good thing. A strong character trait. We mistaken this for being selfless but being selfless means that were doing something for a different person without thinking about our own feelings at all, with no consideration for what it might do to us. I would never call myself selfless, for me, it’s just the thought of someone I know being upset or feeling miserable and not changing it, even if its just half a second that drives me nuts. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. It can be a good thing for others, for the people who surround you and love you, but sometimes, down the line, it might become the reason why you’re feeling upset or miserable and that’s when you tend to realize that all those people that you write stupid sappy notes for or buy flowers for, don’t even realize.
We still have so many people left to meet in the world and every single second whether the time were buying apples at the store or we’re walking a dog is a new opportunity to meet someone and just maybe we’ll meet the someone that every single person needs. Someone who willl know exactly what I want, someone who will know exactly what song to play and what movie to watch with me and will share my love for cities like San Francisco and will know when to say what to make me feel like the girl that everyone thinks I am. This person can be relevant to our lives in anyway and doesn’t have to be our closest friend or sister, it just has to be someone who really really understands us, because all anyone really wants in this world is for someone who knows and remembers.
25.08.2018
Sometimes in life we meet people and it takes us a really really long time to realize how important they actually are. For a person to be meaningful to your life, they don’t have to very very close to you, you don’t have to talk to them everyday or sometimes even at all. We don’t realise until it’s almost over how much it actually meant. We don’t understand till it’s the last time we might see them again for a really really long time. Sometimes the people that we may think we’re indifferent to turn out to be so much more. They’re the people that were really looking out for you, the ones who always believed in you no matter how many times you messed up and proved them wrong. And after the person is gone, we realize how much sense they made and how everything they said, really did come from a good place. We might see this person again and we may not but the impact they’ve had on our lives isnt something that you just forget. It doesn’t just leave you and go to another city or house or continent. And we can look at this person one last time and try to remember every detail of the situation and the surroundings and try to see the roads and the tress the same way they do but thats when you realise that most times, the person doesn’t even realize how much they really matter.
14.08.2018
So today I had a really really good day. It made me realize how long it’s been since I had such a good day. I’m not saying I don’t have good days, but today was just one of those days that you really remember. Nothing extraordinarily brilliant happened to me, I didn’t save someone’s life or win the lottery or anything of the sort. I just went for lunch with my friends and when you get caught up in pointless things like “growing up”, you tend to forget just how important one lunch can be to your life. Over the last year, my whole life has changed drastically. My priorities have changed, my lifestyle has changed and contrary to what I thought a year ago, that’s not the best thing for me. I used to think that I was supposed to one of those insanely cool people who’d really “lived”, but turns out I’m not. And more importantly, although it took me a while to understand, my idea of being cool was unbelievably wrong. It’s not drinking or parties or all that stupid stuff that all of us are into now, it’s about doing whatever it is that you love and really really enjoying that thing with the people you really really care about. For me that’s laughing in the middle of the road at the same dumb joke that no one else got for 25 minutes or eating the same bad food over and over again because I feel like the food has some great emotional value or even having crossword puzzle competitions that we were all surprisingly bad at. It’s just about doing things that are good for yourself without all the drama that seems to go hand in hand with breathing nowadays. And if growing up, means I need to start letting go of these stupid things and days like today, then I don’t want to grow up anymore.
07.08.2018
Okay, this is going to be weird.
Ever since I was 8 years old I always felt like one of the most important things to do in a day is to have a bath. Being from a city in which the temperature doesn’t seem to go below 30°C, I used to bathe like a crazy person. I used to have a bath 4 times a day and everyone thought I had lost it. What I’m saying probably sounds very meaningless right now and it probably is, to you, but for me, every single shower is weirdly significant to my life. Before doing something really important, the bath that I took, I used to think of it as the most important bath of my life and I still do. Over the years the significance to these baths has changed so much. It’s gone from the one I had before I took the first spelling test of my life in class 5 to the one the morning before I marched for my house on sports day for the first time in class 6 or to now, the bath before i sat for my SAT’s or the one I took before I stood to be elected as the captain of my house.
I’ve always given alot of importance to small things, tiny events that may mean absolutely nothing to other people like baths and fans and the way I sit on sofa while watching TV. I feel like these small thing that any individual thinks about can tell us alot about their personalities and who they really are to themselves. I’m sure if I try hard enough I can convince myself that global warming or terrorism should affect my existence as much as a shower should, but that’s not half as much fun.
12.08.2018
We all make these lists in our heads when we’re kids, of what our ideal love would be. We think there’s a perfect guy out there for us who will surprise us with gifts and take us on adventures. We think all our lives are supposed to turn out like it does in the movies. We forget that there’s a reason why movies exist. It’s to take us away from reality for the one hour and 40 something minutes that we’re watching it for until we come out into the world to experience all this for ourselves only to realize how much more it is. We all want to be the ideal the love story, the one that changes the world. The one that survives everything. We all want the perfect Instagram mornings and the evening under the stars. The world has made us all expect so much that most of us forget to feel the small things, the ones no one talks about, like when during the cold nights he gave you all the blanket so you’ll be warm or when he agreed to eat red sauce spaghetti when he prefers white. It’s never what we expect. So even if you don’t get picture perfect moments during the sunset, and all that you have is someone who looks at you like you’re the most beautiful girl in the world when you’re wearing oversized clothes and dancing to Yellow on full volume or someone who doesn’t hang up on you even though you fell asleep mid sentence, you’re a very very lucky person and you should cherish that because not everyone has what you do.
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